Gerald Archibald, Edmonton

Several months ago I sent an email out to fifty people (many of whom are subscribers to ICN) to ask for their ideas on what I could write about in The Way I See It. The feedback I received covered a wide variety of topics:

• GRIEF – types of grief, how to deal with grief, how one can grieve in the Christian tradition, etc.
• CREATION and the infusion of the divine into all things created – a new look at creation.
• REFORM of the Catholic Church and the importance on small group activity.
  The importance of LEADERSHIP in the Catholic Church.
• CIVIL POLITICS and the hierarchy of the Catholic Church, definition of ‘pro-life.
  EVANGELIZATION in the modern world.
• The all powerful LOVE that God has for each of us and how we don’t generally accept or know this.
• Examples/characteristics of ACTIVE, DYNAMIC, OUTGOING parishes (Catholic and other faiths).
• Telling my PERSONAL STORY from the time of youth through to senior years-ups and downs, etc.
• Having “The Way I See it” be more SPIRITUALLY ORIENTATED; how we can develop SPIRITUALLY.

These were the main themes of the feedback I received. Several of the emails were very passionate and these particular ones often involved several emails being sent on the same subject.

GRIEF was one of the suggested topics that involved detailed follow-up messages. I decided this would be a very worthwhile topic to present for this ICN publication. In fact, it may lead to more than one column.

Much of what I wrote in this article was inspired by Barb Harder from Saskatoon. In addition to being a subscriber to ICN, she has spent significant time receiving training in grief counselling. Besides dealing with her own grief that involved various losses over time, she has volunteered many times to accompany people while they journey through grief’s many forms and stages. I am indebted to Barb for her insights and advice.

Grief has to do with personal loss. It can take on many faces. Grief is not just associated with a death of a loved one, although this is indeed something that leads to tremendous suffering. It can be a result of a loss of innocence or violation of oneself. It can be a loss of a pet. Grief can be associated with a loss of a special time that has since gone by. I bet we are all grieving for pre-Covid days.

Grief can also be connected to broken dreams or the disappearance of hope. Speaking personally, I still grieve for a modern Catholic Church that is relevant to our current society, that speaks to our youth, that honours women and laity, that is ‘outreach’ orientated, one that is open and rid of clericalism. This was the promise of Vatican II, but the progress that was underway seemed to grind to a halt 10 years or so after the Council ended. This was a broken dream for me.

Grief can be the result of a child or relative being disconnected from his or her family, or a child who takes a troublesome path. It can be related to a loss involving a relationship, be it with a friend or family member. It can be a result of losing an unborn child. In other words, grief can be the result of any loss.

Grief is not neat and tidy – it is messy and doesn’t fit into a box. Speaking personally, grief is uncomfortable and unpredictable. It can hit you like a tsunami. As Barb Harder puts it “The first wave sucks you under, then smaller waves allow you to surface, then a huge wave hits again and on and on it goes.”

Grief is entirely individualistic. We should not expect to follow the same pattern as someone else who experienced even the same loss. Much has been written about the various stages of grief often suggesting these stages are followed in a particular order of phases. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Each person suffers differently. The “stages” are almost always experienced in a haphazard fashion. These are:

• Shock and denial…
• Pain and guilt. …
  Anger and bargaining. …
• Depression. …
• The upward turn leading to reconstruction
• Working through the pain and reconstruction to acceptance and hope.

You can experience some or all of the “stages” listed above, in any particular order. Or your suffering may bounce around from one stage to another, and back again. There is no timeline for how long a grieving period should last – it can last a lifetime, although the intensity may ebb and flow throughout this time. It can also resurface in unpredictable ways.

We shouldn’t set ourselves up expecting grief to diminish in a certain fashion. Knowing more about grief and how it can manifest itself is important for sure. But also very important is how we can deal with grief in a personal way. To live with grief in a positive way means owning the experience – this has happened and I am suffering because of it! It is natural.

Feelings are never right or wrong, but just ‘are’. It is vital to say to oneself “I am not to blame for my feelings of loss, or my suffering as a result of this loss. To heal, I must accept my feelings of grief and know there is a process I have to go through. I don’t know when these feelings will lessen.

It is also important to share my feelings with other people I trust. If I become depressed for a long period of time to the extent I have difficulty with daily tasks, I may have to seek medical help. If I have a spiritual aspect of my life, it would be a good idea to speak to a priest, a minister, or a pastoral care person.

But it is important to make sure this person understands my grief and how complex it is.” Often, with some searching, you can find a group that is made up of grieving people. Such groups provide safety and enable one to hear how others are dealing with their grief.

There is a great deal of spiritual writing out there that can help in the grieving process. Richard Rohr, a Franciscan priest, often talks about grief and suffering from a Christian point of view (He offers a short daily reflection. Google ‘Richard Rohr’ to freely subscribe).

Jesus endured suffering and then resurrection. This belief is the bedrock of making some sense of our own ‘ups and downs’, of pain and relief, of suffering and healing. If we experience loss, it is a natural reaction to grieve and suffer all the while knowing our Lord went through horrific suffering before his resurrection.

Such belief can strengthen us to navigate our way through grief as well as the many vicissitudes of life. Christian hope and prayer are so helpful! Julia Samuel, in her book Grief Works, brings a powerful message to us by saying “There is no love without pain…only love can heal the pain which it causes.” A close friend of mine who lost his spouse of many years shares: “when I miss her, I love her only more.”

There is a tiny but powerful booklet available entitled Grief…feeling your way through written by Pat Smekal (email: pgsmekal@shaw.ca; phone: 1(250) 468-7281). I would like to quote the first few sentences:

“Grief is a journey. You have been given a ticket for the journey – a ticket which you didn’t ask for, didn’t deserve, didn’t want. But the ticket has your name on it, and you must take the journey regardless.”

I will write more on this subject in the next ICN publication which will include “How can we help a grieving person in a positive way” and will provide more suggested readings about grief.

I would love to receive feedback on this article-Gerald Archibald, PhD (archibaldjerry@gmail.com).